hitting the brakes

Two jobs. Freelance. Parenting. Therapy. Room mom. Half marathon training. My level of exhaustion may be at an all-time high. And yet, as my husband will attest, I keep pushing forward — juggling the balls as best I can in an effort to not let anything hit the ground, while picking up other balls along the way.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I not know when or where to stop?

Is it because I’m afraid to sit still and relax? Is it because I feed off of the chaos? Is it because I’m afraid that, if I stop, I will have too much space in my brain to allow for the anxiety and depression to creep in and rear its ugly head?

Maybe it’s all three. I honestly don’t know. I’m trying to understand it, but I can’t. This is just ME. I don’t know how to be any other way. I don’t know how to relax or sit still or be idle. I don’t know how to let things go or take on less responsibility. All I know is to give give give and go go go, while offering up a million percent of effort into everything.

How do I stop?

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5 thoughts on “hitting the brakes

  1. I’ve got a bunch of questions for you. Why this question now? What is the little voice in you saying? Or are you trying to keep so busy so you don’t have to listen to it? What would be the worst thing to happen if you just dropped one ball? What do you think will happen in that moment or two of stillness and reflection?

    • “Or are you trying to keep so busy so you don’t have to listen to it?” I think you hit the nail on the head there. Maybe I need to take a step back so that I can figure out what that voice is trying to say.

      • It’s a big deal, I know it is. Once my artist assignment was to lie down on the couch for half an hour, no TV, no music and no falling asleep, just let my mind wander and listen. It almost killed me but it was amazing.

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