I hurt.

I hurt more than I wanted to. I hurt more than I think I should. I hurt even though I feel relief, and I didn’t know that I could possibly feel those two emotions together.

I hurt because I didn’t want things to end up this way.

I hurt because I’m not allowed to feel anger.

I hurt because it’s all I have the energy to do anymore.

I just . . . hurt.


4 thoughts on “hurt

  1. I’m so so sorry this hurt is with you.

    I can say, that I do think the emotions of hurt and relief can function together. I was hurt when my father died but relieved to not see him suffer anymore for example. I also felt hurt when I miscarried though felt relief from the tension of every other day betas and probings on ultrasound and my hopes being raised and dashed, raised and dashed… I was so sad but there was relief to be off that roller coaster.

    I think what you are mourning is a loss, almost like the deaths I mentioned. I won’t say it’s the same, it’s not, but the process is the same. Maybe you could find a way to grieve this loss when the time is right. Plant a tree? Set off a balloon? A tattoo? A letter that you write and bury? Whatever works for you.

    This grief is real because a real loss has happened. And the only thing that really helps is time. (Though on some level I am sure this will always hurt, as much as that sucks to say.)

    Be kind to yourself in the meantime. And know it’s not wrong to feel this way.

    Much love to you.

  2. Disclaimer: Sorry if I project all my failed-match emotional crap on you, but I just want you to know that I get it. I felt the same way when the match with Baby A fell through. I felt so hurt and sad that our journey wasn’t over yet, that I had been handed such crap in the family building department and why the hell couldn’t SOMETHING go the way we wanted it to? I was afraid to be mad at D, because it was completely HER choice to pursue adoption, and it was completely within her rights to say it wasn’t going to work for her. Then I learned it was ok to be mad at her for the way she did it. I can feel compassion that she didn’t know what she was getting into, but I can also be really f*cking angry that she did not own up to her emotional state in the hospital. I can also be really angry at the case workers for not seeing the derailment. I can also be really angry at myself for not listening to my gut (instead choosing to go with what the caseworkers were telling us). I can also be really angry at being put in such a situation. It’s OK to be angry at everyone involved including K’s mom. Even though you know her situation and can feel compassion/empathy/sympathy for the chaos she’s found herself in, you’re still allowed to be really pissed off that she even dragged you down this path and gave you hope for something you thought would never happen. (maybe blog and not publish, I did some of that to get out all the non-PC feelings I was having).

    As for the second match…well, I didn’t go so easy on the father of the baby and kind of let loose on my blog a bit (and admittedly shouldn’t have). *ahem*. Kudos to you for showing restraint.

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s not something that’s easy to get over. I had terms like “ambiguous grief” and “complicated grief” presented to me to help me understand what it was I was going through. The upshot is, a situation like this is not a typical grief cycle, and I for one did not just get over it because he had only been in my home for 3 days. It was much bigger than the physical amount of time we spent with D and Baby A.

    ((big hugs)). This whole situation sucks for you and your family.

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